“Elizabeth’s first love is back,” touts an ABC/SOAPnet promo for Jonathan Jackson’s Oct. 27 return. (Check it out here) Uh, guys…? Elizabeth’s first love NEVER LEFT. He’s right there. In Port Charles. Wearing Greg Vaughan’s face.

I mean, I can only imagine how hamstrung the ABC/SOAPnet promotional department was, realizing that they couldn’t go “the real Lucky returns!” route — darn all those fans for finding that genius move for AMC’s Greenlee offensive! — but was it necessary to sit around and think of something just as bad?

Guess what, GH: Lucky and Liz have always been a permanent lock. It doesn’t matter if it was Jackson or Jacob Young or Greg Vaughan in the role. But way to confirm, yet again, for viewers that the Lucky character has had no value for the last decade…that all of that history and character work and the times Lucky and Elizabeth have been drawn together as lovers and as parents hasn’t rated because it wasn’t Jonathan Jackson. To outright say that is really, really bold.

I guess I imagined the 2005 wedding and all the adorable family scenes with Cameron and Jake, because Elizabeth’s only hookups were with Jason, Ric and Zander. And what about Jacob Young’s Daytime Emmy? I guess he won that for AMC’s JR…even before he got the role.

It’s really disrespectful. That’s what it boils down to. Greg Vaughan aired just yesterday, in beautiful scenes welcoming Elizabeth to the Spencer family once more…while the network he airs on has already written him out of the Spencer clan. I know it’s not Jonathan Jackson’s fault. He’s got a family to feed, too, and a right to be employed. But someone needs to be held accountable for the bad taste here. I honestly thought the network had learned something from their own “real Greenlee” debacle, but it’s clear they haven’t.

Page me when my first love, the real GENERAL HOSPITAL, is back.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

Were we supposed to cheer when GH’s Johnny grabbed Claudia and threatened to crush her skull or be horrified? Because with this being a show where Luke the rapist is a wacky hero, Sonny shot his wife, and Jason laid a plastic tarp down for Faith, I can’t really tell. It sort of feels like, with that elite list for company, Johnny has proven himself a core character the powers-that-be are invested in. It’s like going out and shooting your first buck. Clap Johnny on the back, he’s manned up! Besides, it’s not like that evil witch Claudia doesn’t deserve it, right?

On the other hand, you have the fact that Johnny, despite being crazy, hotheaded and born into the mob, has been a fairly decent guy. And watching him threaten his own sister in such a fashion is utterly despicable. I mean, I really grew to like this character and to root for his romance with Olivia, but that scene was beyond the pale for me. How can you look at Johnny cupping Olivia’s face with tenderness knowing those hands were raised against his sister in anger? Ugh. And that’s where I’m at. Not at the “Congrats, Johnny! Claudia finally pushed you to the limit!” point, where he deserves kudos for taking her down a peg, but at the place where I am deeply saddened that yet another male character on GH had to resort to committing a violent act against a woman. By now, you all know how I feel about the issue. And I’d be a hypocrite if I could still root for Johnny while dissing the Todds and Sonnys of the world.

I think Brandon Barash has really made strides on the show, and he got to a wonderful place where Johnny could lead the next generation of GH’s antiheroes. But one writing choice, just a few keystrokes on a keyboard and a short scene, made sure that I’m not going to enjoy that potential journey very much.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

So, I have this pattern with GH. I like one episode and then the very next one sends me plummeting back to disappointment-land. The lead up to the carnival, on Tuesday, was integrated, fun, and aside from a few missteps, incredibly enjoyable. The fall-out yesterday…? Was baffling. Can someone explain to me the need to have Jason wander the carnage like a sad, lost puppy? A man who has seen — no, CAUSED — so much violence in Port Charles is suddenly devastated enough to require his own montage? There is not enough eye-roll in the world for that. And why in the world would Rebecca give consent for Edward to be treated at GH? SHE’S NOT A QUARTERMAINE. THEY AREN’T RELATED. If you can’t pay Leslie Charleson(Monica) or Jane Elliot (Tracy) for that day, couldn’t somebody have at least gone and found Jason and had him sign a consent form? Or would that have cut into his quality angst time? 

Why was Sonny hanging out at GH waiting for news on Dominic while Kristina was buried in the wreckage? I mean, it’s been patently obvious for years that his daughter is his last priority (“I know you plowed into my wife and caused her miscarriage, but have some money and go buy something pretty!”), but now she has to fall behind the son he doesn’t even know he has? Ridic’! 

Must be a pattern with those mob boys, considering Jason remembered to mope over Jake only because something fell on the kid. Not that I’m complaining about seeing Jake, who is adorable. And tied with OLTL’s baby Hope for the unintentionally hilarious reaction of the week. He was so unconcerned about having been injured and only cried when he was lifted onto the gurney to be taken away from the carnival! Much like Hope, who apparently adored her Russian kidnappers and only started bawling when they gave her back to Starr to hold. 

But back to GH and its utterly confounding decisions. How do two guys with little to no cover survive a HAIL OF BULLETS? I mean, it was silly enough when Spinelli was directly in the line of fire and somehow escaped wounding, but for both him and Johnny to survive the warehouse hit was laughable. And the fact that mob scion Johnny is the one who ended up shot is a total head-scratcher. I know the show loves Spinelli, but that doesn’t make the Jackal literally bulletproof, ya know? 

Here’s the thing: You can’t really fool a soap viewer. It doesn’t matter if you bring in a troupe of clowns and jugglers and a real Ferris wheel or pull off the coolest shoot-out montage if you don’t have your basic story points straight. Fans are still going to notice that Rebecca isn’t eligible to give medical consent just because she’s Emily’s sister! 

The scope of the carnival was great, a job honestly well done. But soaps need to remember that at the end of the day, it’s not about the magnitude of the event, it’s about the details.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

What in the Sam Hill (not to be confused with the Sam McCall) was going on with GH’s Ethan and Lucky beating the snot out of Dante Friday and today? Lucky is a cop, and getting into bar brawls is just plain stupid. And Ethan…? He’s a sticky-fingered con artist! He has no room to judge somebody that’s working for Sonny. Did the show think we would view the attack as a lovely bonding experience between Luke’s two sons? Sorry, ganging up on a guy interested in their sister just made them look like ginormous jerks. I mean, yeah, Dante was coming on strong and is probably the kind of guy that I’d walk away from in a bar…which is something Lulu’s perfectly capable of doing herself! She handled him just fine, shepherding his obnoxious tush to the hospital and passing him to Epiphany for the “TLC” he was so desperately angling for. Ethan and Lucky’s intrusion was uncalled for and, again, a completely manufactured way for them to bond and for Ethan to look like a part of the gang. Lucky’s resentment of Ethan has been justifiable; suddenly forgetting that so they could “defend their sister’s honor” was hard to swallow. And landing a few punches on the even newer guy in town doesn’t make Ethan suddenly look like a veteran. The only ones in that entire sequence that actually came out looking okay were Nikolas and Coleman, because the supercilious Cassadine act is believable (plus he used the word “ilk!”) and Coleman is awesome no matter what he does. 

Then there’s my fury over Sonny being a big ol’ buttinsky and trying to force Olivia to admit she’s still into him. Luckily, it was soothed by how lovely the Johnny and Olivia scene afterwards was. It was in direct contrast to how Sonny refused to listen to a word Olivia was saying, how he kept hammering at her to give into him. Johnny allowed Olivia to have her feelings — even if they were about another man — and didn’t let them negate what the two of them have with each other. “You get me Liv, in a way that most people don’t,” Johnny sighed. I loved them talking about her blue-collar life in Bensonhurst versus his life of wealth and privilege. Then, Olivia put her cards on the table, worrying that Johnny would think he’s a substitute for Sonny, and I got a little mushy when Johnny assured Olivia he doesn’t feel used, just “needed,” and admitted that he needs her, too. As for Sonny? Oh, you’ve got to just love him feigning sympathy for Claudia and their lost child after being shot down by Olivia. It was pretty reprehensible. I mean, I don’t even like Claudia all that much and I felt bad for her. Pursuing someone else when your wife just had a miscarriage, and then coming back to her because you might as well make a go of it is not something that makes me swoon with the romantic vapors! 

I promise that tomorrow I will not post about GH. I think I’ve got some Y&R in me. We’ll find out!

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

Joe and I had fun with yesterday’s GENERAL HOSPITAL — if you call fun e-mailing each other back and forth going, “Wait, is this the same night as Claudia’s car accident?” Between the brain surgery sequence a few days ago, the trip to the police station and the scenes at the Quartermaine mansion, we were totally mystified by everyone referring to the collision as having happened mere hours ago. “Is this like PASSIONS, where the days last for months?” Joe asked me. The answer? Yes. Yes, it is. And this interminable storyline has only just begun! 

We can now look forward to guilt-ridden Michael and Kristina hitting the road (hopefully not in cars), poor Alexis being made to look like an even bigger fool, and Claudia secretly plotting revenge against a couple of kids. Joy. That’s must-see TV right there. I mean, I was just so riveted by the glorified automobile commercial that was the crash — with the questionable CGI and Carly deciding that exact moment was the right time to do her best impression of a highway trash pickup volunteer — that of course I’m invested in the fallout. Not. In fact, my reason to tune in is still Johnny. And, no, I still don’t get it. Last year I was bitter about Coop and Logan’s deaths and really not into their replacement. Now? I feel like Brandon Barash has the potential to be the show’s next leading man. He’s been getting great scripts lately, which certainly helps, but he manages to imbue all those fabulous bits of dialogue with nuance, too. He’s really found his footing as an actor. 

I remember when he first came on, I wondered if Johnny would turn out to be Kate and Sonny’s secret son. I had this whole plot in my head of how Kate hooked up with Trevor Lansing, who arranged for her child to be raised by the Zacharras. Because Johnny works as a “younger Sonny,” as someone to pick up the mantle and take it into the next generation…with a few noticeable differences. He’s the brooding mobster archetype but not a chauvinist. He’s dangerous, but has a conscience…not just the convenient kind that propels him into a chapel every few months to make promises to God. He hasn’t given any underage girls pills or shot anyone in the head. Of course, knowing GH, give him a few years and I’m sure he’ll get there. 

But no matter where Johnny’s headed, I’m really enjoying him in the here and now…even if the nights do last all week.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com

You know, I accept that Sonny Corinthos is the center of GH now. There’s no use in wailing about the mob-driven storytelling. That ship done sailed. The ship that hasn’t sailed? Sonny’s love life. That can, and should, be dry-docked and overhauled. 

Almost every single time he gets involved with a woman, it’s the same tired and misogynistic cycle. There are variations on the theme —Emily, for instance, skipped the “I hate you” phase — but for the most part, it goes like this: 

1. Woman moves to town or into Sonny’s sphere.
2. Sparks fly, or contempt flies, and there’s a lot of snappy banter.
3. Sonny flashes his dimples even as he says things that would require a restraining order if he were a real-life man, and all of a sudden the woman is “susceptible to his charms.”
4. There is an island trip or a pasta dinner or some other grand gesture to make the stalking er, wooing complete.
5. ”I hate you” becomes “I love you”(or, in Claudia’s case, “I still hate you but let’s have sex”) and then the woman is basically turned into a codependent pile of mush who can’t put her shoes on without Sonny telling her which foot they go on.
6. The woman briefly wakes up or tries to re-grow her spine, to no avail.
7. Sonny cheats or breaks up with her “for her own good” only to get involved with another woman five minutes later, claiming he’s never felt this way before. 

Lather, rinse, repeat. 

After 15 years of watching Sonny cycle through everyone from Karen Wexler to Reese to Kate, I really want to see something else. Female characters get crushed by Sonny, and that’s not TV I enjoy. The only women who’ve really survived are Carly — though she’s never been extricated from his world, and her marriage to Jax suffers because of it — Brenda (by virtue of LEAVING), and Alexis, who gets played for a tightly-wound buffoon for her troubles. Everybody else gets shuffled out of town or dies. 

Here’s a thought, GH: Maybe the womenfolk are not the problem. Maybe it’s Sonny, whose caveman courtship tactics and inability to remain faithful box the character into a place where we see veteran actor Maurice Benard saying the same dialogue every year with the names changed. Let’s give him something else to do! 

Especially since Olivia is becoming the latest martyr to the cause. The Falconeri family was a headache-inducing rewrite of Sonny’s history to begin with, but I liked Olivia because she genuinely seemed to be uninterested in Sonny despite their past. Sure, they hung out after she hit town, but she had her own life and finally got her own love interest. And Johnny/Olivia isn’t a pairing that appeals solely to me; they’re getting rave reviews from many viewers. Yes, he’s a mobster, too, but he’s nice to her. He treats her with respect. So why would GH sacrifice that just to make her Sonny’s Flavor of the Month? Because of the botch job on Sonny/Claudia, perhaps? Gee, I wonder why viewers don’t like Sonny married to a conniver who arranged for his son’s shooting and got pregnant just to save her own skin? Newsflash: Claudia isn’t Sarah Brown’s Carly, and no amount of bonding over babies is going to echo that version of Sonny and Carly. The Claudia/Sonny relationship is too ugly (And let’s face it, S&C v.1.0 weren’t exactly sunshine and roses). 

So why just pluck out Claudia and paste in Olivia? We’re going to see the same story we always see, and I don’t want to see Lisa LoCicero on the backburner or fired by next year because SoLivia tanked! I want to see Sonny decide he doesn’t need a love interest and focus on his kids or his business — lord knows both are a hot mess these days! OR I want to see him go back to Kate and just settle down, because they were working just fine before he married Claudia for the Zacchara empire and Kate got the shaft. Come on, let’s switch it up a little. For once, let’s have a woman in Sonny’s lifeavoid the bullet to the head.

originally posted on soapoperaweekly.com